I just got a new client from work, and for the fourth time i started on the job earlier today. After the first hour of going through the mind numbing job of setting up a youtube clone gaged for the adult audience, specifically the ones with the hentai nitch; I asked myself "What the fuck am I doing!?". The thing that struck me after that thought was that it was pertaining to my working career as a whole. I am basically working for the payday, with no real direction in life. Yeah I have a job, yeah I earn money, more than I need at times, but where does it lead? When I get stressed I buy stuff I don't need to fill the void, only to realize that I blew off my entire month's wages on it. Then the cycle continues until you burn out or you die.

I've always wanted a job that I really wanted to do, not because of the money. I want to leave something behind when I die, something to pass to my daughter, not just meager material things. A purpose driven life to be exact, a life that has a positive impact to the world; In hopes that I could contribute to a better society for my daughter and her children to be.

Lately I have been lost, trying to find the things I actually believe in so I can pursue them. I'm afraid that if I continue on the current path I am on, I won't achieve success. My definition of this is happiness and contentment, outside the bounds of material and monetary returns.

Up to this point, my rant was purely idealism, but what's the point of doing your job when you check your work ethic at the door before starting your shift? Aside from the money is there anything else? You study up to 20 years old or so, so you can work; then you work so you can live on your own, you retire when you're 60... if you're lucky you're still alive and healthy. After which what is there waiting? Wouldn't it be wise to make the best of the journey instead of focusing on the destination? So you have something to look back on and pass on to future generations.

At the moment I am really desperate to find what it is I really want to do in life and get started on it. If I stay any longer in the current state of things I might get sucked into the cycle and just be another cog in the machine, only to regret it in my old days... assuming I'll grow old.